My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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