when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize