what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Ketchup is God's man juice
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
