Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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