I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
