is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
