I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Randomize
