I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
