I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
