I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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