I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
