It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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