im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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