I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Randomize
