I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
