I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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