He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
