And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
