OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
