i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Why are your pants in the freezer?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
