i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
