Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
