i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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