My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
