Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
