I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
