Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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