Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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