I need to stop coming to work sober
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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