So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
