Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
