every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
