I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Randomize
