My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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