ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
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