I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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