It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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