I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
