OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
