Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
