just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
