I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
and you fell through a lawn chair
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