I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Randomize
