I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
