I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I queefed so loud it echoed.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize