but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
