I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
