i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
