girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
