I'm gonna have a badass scar
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Randomize
