I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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