I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
