Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
