I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
