So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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